my new friend 🐛❤️

unlimitedgoats:

luxvriously:

My anaconda will consider it

My anaconda has, upon review of the information presented with it’s partners, decided that it, in fact, does not. My anaconda apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause and thanks you for your time.

(via time-for-turtles)

negritaaa:

TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?

Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?

TSA: why do u always do this?

(via officialjosephstalin)

doppelgender:

the saddest part of The Fault In Our Stars was definitely when Augustus fell into the chocolate river and got sucked up into the tube thing

(via shostakovich11)

kingcheddarxvii:

Not the heroes we thought we needed but the heroes we really needed all along

kingcheddarxvii:

Not the heroes we thought we needed but the heroes we really needed all along

(via senor-sam)

bunny-banana:

handaxe:

handaxe:

What’s the difference between america and yogurt?

If u leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

this was like the sickest burn I’ve ever seen

(via shostakovich11)

  • Guy in my class: Sir, what if we had a gay P.E. teacher? That'd be bad because he'd be looking at all the guys in shorts.
  • Teacher: You're assuming that all gay teachers are pedophiles.
  • Guy: Well...yeah.
  • Teacher: Carl I absolutely promise you that NO ONE in this school wants to have sex with you

hi my name is jaden and I was recently informed I moan in my sleep

woodwindwielder:

I have a lot of free time in band in case you can’t tell

(via thegunsligner)

spookythug:

i want a friend with benefits (dental and medical insurance, 401k retirement plan, etc.)

(via fake-mermaid)

acing this quiz guys

acing this quiz guys

  • boy: what cup size are u
  • me: world

2treehill:

how do you get a nice body without moving

(via fake-mermaid)